Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
