fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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