a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
