I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
