You can't special order awesome
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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