You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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