I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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