Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
