Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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