I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
