Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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