so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize