I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
