I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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