He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
