ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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