It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
