wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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