Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
