why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
