shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
