I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
