I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i barfeds in our rink
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
