apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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