i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
