White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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