I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
