WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
