Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
