My first STD was from a foam party
Everything about him screamed your future.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
