There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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