the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
