if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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