Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
