I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
