the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I need a beard to bite.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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