my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you will always have a special place in my vag
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
