There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
