I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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