I haven't been this sober since birth.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
