My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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