I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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