saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
