My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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