She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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