im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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