In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You did what with his pubic hair?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
