His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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