You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
