I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize