Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
