Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
