his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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