A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
