remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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