I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize