ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
