You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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