I wish I could teleport
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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